Beautiful

A few years ago I was increasing my focus on self-improvement.  I was interested in becoming more beautiful to my Savior.  Whenever I work on developing my talents I’m motivated by the desire to draw closer to Him.  That’s the reason I want to be the best I can possibly be.  I know “sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven” (“Praise to the Man”).  If you read my blog regularly you know that for me sacrifice includes finding greater balance in my physical body, eliminating the fat, increasing the muscle mass and flexibility so that I am healthy and fit.  It’s about disciplining my body against my natural woman's desires. Avoid junk food, treats, and overeating.  Exercise within my zone consistently—not too little, but not too much either.  Get enough water and rest.  Keep the commitments I make.  Take time every day to shower, get dressed, put on my make up, do my hair.  Spend time studying the scriptures and then figuring out how to apply the principles I’m reading about to all my relationships. I know that in the past when I have consistently engaged in this sacrifice process I have become acutely aware of the presence of the Lord in my life.  That’s what I want.

“I believe when a woman chooses to have Christ at the center of her own heart, at the nucleus of her personal world, she brings the Lord into the core of her home and family, be it a family of one or a family of many.” ~Anne C. Pingree

“The unmarried woman [and the married woman!] careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit:” ~1 Corinthians 7:34

“This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.” ~Galations 5:16-17

Looking Beyond the Mark
So I had been working on this and making pretty good progress.  I was striving to keep these commitments daily.  But it never fails that whenever I increase my sacrifice level, temptation conversely increases.  I am tempted to look for other forms of evidence (besides the Mark--my proximity to the Lord) that things are really improving.  I am tempted to compare myself to others to see how beautiful I’m really becoming.  It’s almost unconscious. That year, when I was working on physical self-improvement, I was also working on spiritual self-improvement so I didn’t fully accept the temptations but it took me a little bit of time to identify them for what they were and then make an active decision to kick them out of my head.  

I went to a women’s conference at BYU in Provo, Utah with my best friends from high school. Thousands of women come annually from all over to attend this event.  As I was walking around campus, I could not help but notice there were so many beautiful women!  “What the heck?” a voice in my head said.  “It looks like you will never win.”  I began to think I was nothing compared to these other women, both physically and spiritually.  The tempter then pointed out other women to me who appeared to be presently losing the battle of the bulge or were further back in their journey in some other way and suggested that I compare myself to them to feel better about my results.  All this was semi-unconscious.  

“And [the devil] saith unto [Jesus], All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me.” ~Matthew 4:9

“Please, my beloved brothers and sisters, we must stop comparing ourselves to others. We torture ourselves needlessly by competing and comparing. We falsely judge our self-worth by the things we do or don’t have and by the opinions of others. If we must compare, let us compare how we were in the past to how we are today—and even to how we want to be in the future. The only opinion of us that matters is what our Heavenly Father thinks of us. Please sincerely ask Him what He thinks of you. He will love and correct but never discourage us; that is Satan’s trick.” ~Elder J. Devn Cornish

Resolving Conflicts
When I got home from the conference, I went for a long walk. I like to pray when I’m walking and discuss whatever I’m in conflict about with the Lord. The topic of this prayer was beauty and value.  I could feel His censure for the comparison thoughts I had had.  When I entertained them I felt more distant from him. I separated myself from the thoughts and asked him how I was supposed to be the best I could possibly be when it was evident that I was never going to be as beautiful as some women. Those were just the facts. Genetically I have been given certain limitations. I’m never going to be model-perfect. In short (no pun intended), I’m never going to be Miss America no matter how balanced I can become. Spiritually, we can all become beautiful like Christ because of his atonement but our community doesn't seem to value the quieter gifts of God, so why even try?

The answer I received was that beauty, in His eyes, wasn’t determined by my beauty as it compared to some arbitrary standard. He was not holding up Miss America or Miss High-powered Career Psychologist and expecting me to rival these women. But he did want me to continue striving for my personal physical and spiritual best. Seeking to become the spiritual master of my body is of God. Consistently living that way, as well as the results from that kind of living, please him.  A healthy fit body and a clear and intelligent mind are good indicators that we are successfully caring and developing the talents God has given us. However, I understood that he wanted me to master my self-perception while I was working on developing my talents. I needed to face questions like: Did I play the pride and envy game? Did I only think I could be my best when I thought I was better than others? Was I motivated and conversely deflated by comparing my level of beauty and talent to others’?

The desire to know we are valuable is a good thing. Comparing myself to others to assess my value was where I was getting off track. Sister Julie B. Beck said it well in the following quote:

“Good women always have a desire to know if they are succeeding. In a world where the measures of success are often distorted, it is important to seek appreciation and affirmation from proper sources. To paraphrase a list found in Preach My Gospel, we are doing well when we develop attributes of Christ and strive to obey His gospel with exactness. We are doing well when we seek to improve ourselves and do our best. We are doing well when we increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek out and help others who are in need. We know we are successful if we live so that we qualify for, receive, and know how to follow the Spirit. When we have done our very best, we may still experience disappointments, but we will not be disappointed in ourselves. We can feel certain that the Lord is pleased when we feel the Spirit working through us. Peace, joy, and hope are available to those who measure success properly.” ~Julie B. Beck

Two Kinds of Beauty
There are two kinds of beauty; balancing them is the key. The first is to fulfill my responsibility to take care of myself physically and spiritually. I nourish my talents and strengthen them. Spiritual balance is derived from striving for physical balance within my zone.  The Lord lets me know when he is pleased with my results. When my awareness of his presence increases, I know he is pleased. My task after returning from the women's conference was to put my trust in that reward and form of validation. I needed to let go of the constant question in my mind: Am I good enough?

He wanted me to stop the comparisons altogether, to remove myself from the picture, and focus on the beauty of others when I was with them. My own goals and results are judged separately from theirs. When I am among other people, it is not the time to think about myself, my beauty, my talents. It is time to forget myself and use those talents to love and uplift others. For example, when I read books by Jane Austen or Georgette Heyer, I love them! They are brilliant. I am so thankful for their existence. If they didn't develop the talents they did and share them with us, I would not have the joy of reading them. The same is true with Amy Grant and her music. I've been singing her songs (with her) in my kitchen, in the car, and on my walks for years. She has been such a source of strength for me. Her music has helped me through many tough times. I am so thankful for her! If I can love these women and admire their talents, can I not love other women of talent who I associate with more closely?  

My responsibility is to let them know that I appreciate them.  If they look beautiful, act beautiful, or demonstrate beautiful in any way, I am to praise it, be thankful for it, and admire it. When I do, I feel love for them. They actually become a treat for me to see, associate with, listen to, and evaluate. When love flows inside my heart, I feel the Savior’s presence at an intensity level that brings me joy.

“If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.” ~Article of Faith 13

Timing and Accountability
I evaluate my results privately with my Savior during our prayer meetings in which we review and report on my commitments. Value is assessed by the commitments I have kept compared to the commitments I have made. It is assessed by how much I’m actually implementing what I know to be true. It’s assessed by how much I’m receiving compared with how much I’m sacrificing. The more I sense the presence of the Lord in my daily life, the less I need to turn to other sources for my comfort and validation. Looking to conflicting sources for my validation is taking his name in vain. The more he is with me, the higher my level of accountability.

“Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain: for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.” ~Deuteronomy 5:11

“None of us will ever be 'good enough,' save through the merits and mercy of Jesus Christ, but because God respects our agency, we also cannot be saved without our trying. That is how the balance between grace and works works.” ~Elder J. Devn Cornish

Opportunity Costs
I realize that I can’t progress in the development of my spiritual and physical talents if I judge myself and others with pride and envy. I can't use this form of judgment to assess my value or motivate myself to be better. Judging like this prevents me from being able to love from my heart. Instead, I experience hatred for others. And when I hate, I don’t like myself very much. The Lord cannot be with me when I hate. Rather than develop my talents to higher levels, I would rather plateau and retain my charity—His presence. The challenge becomes stripping myself of all pride and envy thoughts, words, and actions, which are blocking my awareness of my true value.

See: Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

Love your Workout WHILE you're Working Out

I know this is radical thinking in a day and age where the majority of gyms and programs advocate kick-butt workouts.  I suggest that in order to continue in these types of workouts we HAVE TO think certain prideful and envious thoughts that are not conducive to long-term health.  Neither are they conducive to Sustainable Joy in our relationships. 

A few years ago when I was teaching fitness classes, I would end up with a headache by the end of the day.  Even though I was keeping the level of my heart rate within my appropriate age-range AND I felt just fine DURING the workout, my Results indicated that I was working out way too hard.

Exercise-induced Headaches

 I went to doctors, tried out medications, energy and electrolyte drinks, and all kinds of different resolution processes but could not change my Results.  I realized I was working beyond my Northwest Threshold.

 

Northwest Threshold:  The Strengthening Process

Northwest is an adjective I use to name the concept of running faster than we have strength, pushing ourselves too hard, going way overboard in our sacrifice process whether it is exercising, serving, or doing anything.

We have to process.  That is our verb.  It's what we do.  Overdoing it is processing in the Northwest.  Underdoing it is processing in the Northeast.

But when our Desire is to increase our physical strength, we know we need to push our body beyond what is comfortable.  Pushing it too far results in injury.  Not pushing it hard enough results in atrophy.  Each of us individually has our own Threshold. When we find it and engage in it continuously increased strength is our Result.

To obtain long-term physical fitness, we can identify our Threshold using standardize heart rate formulas and then monitor our heart rate during exercise by pulse checks or by wearing a heart rate monitor.  These numeric evaluations assist us in identifying our General Threshold. But we may have some specific health issues that require us to exercise at a lower or higher intensity than the average person our age, weight, and resting heart rate.  This is when we can rely on Perceived Exertion.

See:  http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/borg-scale/

I first learned about Perceived Exertion as a fitness instructor.  But I always struggled with having enough faith in its accuracy.  I could push myself pretty hard and feel fine during the workout.  Yet the headache at the end of the day kept telling me my Perceived Exertion rating was not accurate.

I have come to rely on a different type of Perceived Exertion.  Instead of focusing on a Pain Threshold, I have learned to focus on a Joy Threshold.  How much am I enjoying this?

Here’s how I find it:  I have thoughts come into my mind when I’m working out.  When I’m in my Northwest Threshold, I’m thinking “Life is good!  I love exercising.”  I feel strong, motivated, energized.  Exercising with good friends increases the Joy factor. Since my favorite friend is Jesus Christ, I basically engage in prayer and listen to his responses during my workouts.  This communication process is maximized when I’m within my Northwest Threshold.

Beyond Our Threshold

When I go too hard, my thoughts change.  “When is this going to be over?  How much time do I have left?  Oh, I don’t really like doing this.  I don’t feel too good.”  I feel stressed and weak.  I start thinking about what pleasures I can have after I’m done. Eating, taking a bath, resting.  My mind is preoccupied with the short-term future.  I’m living too much for the future and not enough in the present.

When my will is not in it, exercising ceases to be a LONG-TERM strengthening process.  I’m just getting through it.  It’s true I’ll burn the calories this time and that’s beneficial.  But I’m not establishing a good habit.   

Good habits are sealed by the experience of Joy.  When I’m exercising within my Northwest Threshold, I feel that Joy.  And I remember it.  And so I look forward to the next time I get to exercise.  Long-term habit and thus long-term health is promoted.

Relocating to:  Beyond NW Threshold  

Listen:  "Popular" from the Broadway play Wicked

Here are the thoughts I HAVE TO think if I work out beyond my Northwest Threshold continuously:  “I work harder than other people.  I’m going to get so fit that everyone will love me.  I’ve got to catch up to Jane Jones over there.  She’s way ahead of me.  My rear end is so large compared to Susie’s.  Or my waistline is more narrow than that woman’s.  I look good because I exercise this hard.  I am well loved because of how good I look.  The people at [work, church, neighbors, etc.] will think I’m hot.  And that means they love.  If I’m not hot now, I will be.  I’ll show them.  They will all love me when I’m skinny and fit!  I am not well loved because of how overweight and unfit I am.”  We pave the real joy we would otherwise feel with a parking lot of pride and envy.

Listen:  "Big Yellow Taxi" by Amy Grant

I remember when I was going to Yoga classes that these kinds of thoughts were automatic and involuntary.  I mean I didn’t consciously decide to think them.  They were just there.  I saw some people who couldn’t touch their toes and thought, “Look how well I can touch mine.  I must be better than them.”  And then I felt good about myself.  I saw some people who could do unsupported handstands for a LONG TIME and I couldn’t.  I thought, “Someday I will be able to do that.  Then I will be as good as them.  People will admire me like I’m admiring them.  When I can do that, I’ll be of greater value.”

There is truth to these thoughts.  If I can touch my toes I have a talent.  If toe-touching flexibility is required in a certain situation, I would be your go-to girl.  I can help!  And that makes me feel good.  It is a strength in which I use to serve others.  But if I don’t think that the purpose of my strengths is to help others and instead think that they have stand-alone-do-nothing-to-help-others value, they are really pretty useless and therefore not valuable.  They are vain.

Read and Listen:  "Me Without You" by TobyMac

Think about the reasons you love the people you do.  What are they?  Does the fact that someone else can do an unsupported handstand longer than you ever strengthened the bonds of love in your relationship with that person?

This Alternate Perception can get in the way of Perceived Exertion (Paving Paradise).  And when it does we end up past our Northwest Threshold with injury or some other chronic condition.  I know because I’ve been there.  It actually distracts us from being able to sense the Effects that define our Northwest Threshold.  And overtime, as we continually ignore the warning Effects, we become numb to them.  So we can no longer accurately perceive our exertion!  We inaccurately identify running faster than we have strength as our Northwest Threshold.  We depend on those pride thoughts for our happiness and the envious ones for our motivation.

So what if we have this Alternate Perception as a habit.  We’re already numb to Perceived Exertion.  How do we get out of it?  How can we regain sensitivity to the true physical and spiritual Effects that define most accurately our Northwest Threshold?

What happens to your thoughts when you exercise at TOO LITTLE intensity?

How do you feel?

What do you do to compensate?

What thoughts come into your mind to prevent you from increasing your intensity?  What thoughts do you HAVE TO think in order to continue exercising beyond your Northeast Threshold (exercising below your capacity)?

When do you notice these thoughts coming automatically or involuntarily to your mind?

I tried to answer these questions about my own Northeast Threshold and Imbalance but found this is still a relative mystery to me.  I need to take more time to study it.  If you respond to these questions, it will accelerate my understanding.

True to My Heart

There seems to be a continuous controversy among all mankind about feelings.  Some say we shouldn’t trust our feelings.  They discount them and say they are the “effect[s] of a frenzied mind” (Alma 30:16).  They say feelings bamboozle, fool, trick, or dupe us.

Others say the reason we exist is to have joy, which is defined as "a feeling of great pleasure and happiness" (2 Nephi 2:25).

"True To Your Heart"

Still others use the word feelings to describe a sensual immoral technique used to satisfy inherent desires and passions without regard to the happiness of others or to our own end result. (1 Nephi 8:31; The Guide to the Scriptures).

It has been a study of mine to differentiate between joy and immoral sensuality in the feelings I experience.

Since I am training my body to eat a balanced diet of whole foods, eating a large piece of chocolate cake with ganache filling on a daily basis does not fit within that program.  Yet sometimes I am still tempted to eat chocolate cake or other such treats in excess.  The cake makes me happy in the moment.  However, after a few bites I begin to feel sick because my body is not used to so much cream and fast-uptake carbs.  When the moment of consumption has passed, any pleasurable feelings I had are gone and I am left only with the sick feeling. 

So then I stay away from chocolate cake for a while.  I forget all those sick feelings.  Time goes by and another piece of chocolate cake is presented to me.  For some reason I want it.  I am tempted by it.  If I continuously yield to these feelings, I am allowing myself to be governed by immoral sensuality.  I identify it as such because it makes me feel rotten in the end and also results in undesirable consequences.  If I ignore the sick feelings and continuously yield to the immediate sensuality of eating the cake, eventually my body will adjust itself to that high dose of cream and sugar.  I won’t feel the sick feeling as quickly anymore.  I cease being satisfied with my healthy food choices.  They taste bland to me.  I now need the cake to obtain even the smallest and most fleeting sense of satisfaction.  My body increases its fat stores to inordinate degrees.  My ability to respond in balance to conflict both physically and spiritually decreases.  My emotional balance begins to swing with greater force to the right and then to the left.  Other people totally annoy me.  Maybe even the employees at the store that provides the ingredients for the cake, not to mention the store owner, annoy me.  In the end I’m trapped in a black hole, a blood sucking state.

Because I have experienced immoral sensuality to some degree in this example and also in other relationships I’ve had, I know what it feels like.  I can differentiate between that feeling and joy.

This is joy:  Through study and experimentation I figure out what my body needs to eat in order to obtain and maintain physical and spiritual balance.  I write my daily menu down.  I follow it.  When chocolate cake comes around, I have to avoid it entirely if I can’t control myself enough to eat the portion size that is appropriate for my spirit/body.  If I have gained the discipline, I eat the appropriate portion size and that is all.  I return to my prescribed diet and I don’t feel deprived or like I've overdosed.  Over time I become more and more satisfied with my healthy food choices.  A peach or Honeycrisp apple taste amazing!  I can have them everyday and they don’t interfere with my ability to sense joy.  Instead, they facilitate it.  When I eat both a physical and spiritual diet full of whole fresh foods, my joy is continuous.   

Sinéad O'Connor:  "Nothing Compares 2 U"

I have tried; I have tested and there is NOTHING that compares to this feeling.  

I feel the most Joy when my body’s fat stores are more closely balanced with my height and structure.  In Joy my ability to respond in balance to conflict both physically and spiritually increases.  My emotional balance centers up and increases in depth.  “It can not be anymore beautiful!”  

Imogen Heap “Can’t Take It In”

Moreover, in Joy I see and appreciate the talents of my children and other people.  It is a total pleasure to associate with them.  I can take the hits of the annoying behaviors that I know will always be there.  I take time with my New Parent to recover from the ones that hurt me the most.  Recovery always occurs.  I thank God for the whole foods he provides for me.   

I ask him to help me obtain ALL of my inherent desires within his boundaries.  I don’t want the black hole—blood sucking state.  In the end I am sealed in a state of sustainability—a relationship full of life, love, joy.

Because I’ve felt this joy at least to a degree, I know it.  It is the feeling I have chosen to be governed by (John 10:27).  It is solid.  It is a sure foundation (Matt 7:24-27).  It is always there to light my pathway.  If I’m not feeling it to the intensity I desire, that’s an indication that I need to grow, train for a higher state of Paradoxical Parenthood.  It usually includes sacrifice.  But I do not sacrifice best things for good.  That is immoral.  I sacrifice good for better and best. 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks:  "Good, Better, Best"

If I discount the feelings of Joy that I experience and think they are only the “effect[s] of a frenzied mind” (Alma 30:16), I starve myself from healthy spiritual food.  The fact is that I can’t live without Joy any more than I can live without healthy food.  That feeling sustains my spirit in my daily life.  If I’m discounting it or if I’m not living my life in such a way that allows for it to flow through me continuously, then the consequences of a starved soul will take over.  I am forced to get it in deviant ways.  I will have to eat the chocolate cake and deal with the black hole consequences.

President Boyd K. Packer

The following video by President Boyd K. Packer addresses the specific concept of controlling thoughts but when I watch it, I also apply it to the feelings that must continue to flow through my heart in the right direction.  

Joy is when the water flows freely down the trench towards its desired destination.  When weeds and other debris clog it up, it will deviate from its course.  I must feel joy.  It is inherent to my being.  If it cannot flow in balance within me—receiving it and then imparting of it to others--then I will deviate to alternative pathways.

"For Your Eyes Only"

Chocolate cake with ganache filling is okay; it's just okay compared to the real joy that is possible in a relationship with Jesus Christ and in an appropriate relationships between a man and a woman. Those kinds of relationships take work to establish and maintain.  The foundation of that work is taking care of body and spirit.  Sometimes it's easier to eat the cake.  But in no way do the end results compare to the everlasting joy that is possible to obtain with God's help between a man and a woman legally and lawfully balanced in marriage.

Food Addiction

What is Addiction?  

What makes a continuous relationship with a substance bad?  What makes it good?

I am addicted to healthy foods, to balanced exercise, and to the people and the activities that bring me continuous joy.  I don't ever want to have to end those relationships.  There is bondage and there are bonds of love.  There are bad habits and there are good habits.  Deciding which are which is a crucial conjunction.

The main reason I set goals is to create habits, abilities, talents.  I figure out the abilities I would like to develop and then go to work establishing them.  Developing a habit is like forging a pathway through a field of grass that I've never walked through before.  The first time I walk through it I may bend some blades of grass down.  When I look back I can see a faint trail.  With continuous traversing, the pathway is formed.  Over time I may lay down concrete or even build bridges over chasms to make the journey more efficient.  Habits make completing difficult or mundane responsibilities easier, faster, and more enjoyable.

Good habits are like symbiotic relationships.

Bad habits are like parasitic relationships.

I have found that I develop habits both with good foods and with bad foods.  So a food's "addictive" nature is not reason enough for me to avoid it.  I AM dependent on food.  No getting around that.  But I WANT to be addicted to healthy food.  I don't want the person who I purchase the food from to "benefit at my expense."  I don't want to be "exploited" or to become habitually involved with a substance that "gives nothing in return" in the end AND requires nothing or very little in return from me up front.  When choosing the foods I eat, I have to consider what I call its Paradoxical Result to determine whether its nature is symbiotic or parasitic. 

Paradoxical Results

Parasitic food starts out way easy to prepare--go to the store, see it ostentatiously displayed, saliva glands start working, buy it, eat it, yum!  Then I pay attention to what happens afterwards.  Next day I want it again.  My regular food doesn't taste as good and I'm not satiated with my daily allotment of calories.  I want to eat MORE!  My appetite increases even though my activity level stays the same.  I consider this bondage because I don't want to eat that much yet I want to eat that much!  It is a conflict of interest happening inside me.  Psychologists may call this a conflict between my Superego and Id.  The scriptures would call it a conflict between my spirit and body or natural [wo]man.

So I need to resolve it.  Which should I listen to?  Is there a balance between them?

I have determined my answer through experimental reasoning.  If I go ahead and partake of the parasitic food and yield to my new level of appetite, my ability to remain balanced in the face of my children's emotional swings, irritating behaviors, etc. is compromised.  And over time my sensitivity to the feelings of peace and energy I receive in my most cherished relationships is reduced (see blog post "Anxiety and Depression").  I feel numb to those treasured feelings; I physically gain weight.  I start looking around for more intense things to make me happy....and treats are always readily available!  But I need increasingly more over time.  For me, this is bondage and I have to get out.

Physical vs. Spiritual Appetites

When I eat food to satisfy my spiritual needs, I'm ab-using it, which basically means I'm using it in the wrong way.  Yeah, it's there and I'm seemingly free to choose to use it however I want but I'm not free to choose the Paradoxical Results.  They are inherently attached.  I’ve tested that one out.

Howard Jones: “No One Is to Blame”

In the past this has been pretty depressing. I took the frowny-face view: "I can't have it.  It's not fair.  It's the only thing that makes me happy.  I can't find happiness in any other way."

But then I found the good news.  This wasn't the only way.  There was a better one and it had sustainability without all the bad side effects.  

Para-Symbiotic Relationships

This is that better way:  When I’m emotionally compromised I turn to a trusted individual for empathy and support or for challenge and excitement.  Not to food.  This person is on my side, defending me when I've been seriously hurt.  But after I've calmed down, feel safe, know I'm loved, I'm ready to evaluate what happened.  I want answers.  How can I resolve that conflict?  How can I avoid getting into a situation like that again?  What part of it was my responsibility?  How can I learn from this?  What do I need to change and what should I hold steadfast? 

It’s not symbiosis because I am reliant upon my host more than he is on me.  I have less to offer.  But it’s not parasitism either because of my promise.  I don’t take his help and do nothing of myself.  I use the strengths that I have to do all that I can do.  I promise that when I am stronger, I will behave as he did to me to those who need me.

2 Nephi 25:23

James 2:20

For lack of finding a word that describes this relationship, I will call it Para-Symbiosis. 

Bonds of Love are the Paradoxical Results of choosing to eat food for what it was intended and choosing to turn to a real person in a real relationship when I am emotionally compromised.  Within these bonds I have grown, progressed, and overcome bad habits that have seemed impossible to overcome.

  

Experimental Reasoning Conclusions

So after many years of experimenting and reasoning with the results, I have formed a conclusion:

A lack of a Para-Symbiotic Relationship with a trusted individual causes me to reach out to parasitic substances for peace and energy.

AND

Parasitic substances clog up the ability to establish that Para-Symbiotic Relationship that would otherwise return increasing intensities of sustainable peace and energy over time.  This leaves me in bondage.

Sinéad O'Connor:  "Nothing Compares 2 U"

These conclusions assist me in coming up with a resolution process for the conflict between my Superego and my Id, my spirit and my body:

Incrementally decrease the treats in my diet until:

1.  I am able to eat within my caloric allotment and nutritional balance WITHOUT BEING MISERABLE

2.  I am satisfied with the intensity and sustainability of peace and energy that I feel in my relationships

Getting Out of Bondage

Before I knew all this I developed bad habits and was suffering in the Paradoxical Results of bondage.  Miserable place.  This is how I got out:

I learned/was taught (as a result of begging for help) all of the above

• calculated the correct amount of calories and nutrients for my body and my goals for it
• tracked my food everyday
• return to it if I begin to deviate again

Developed a Para-Symbiotic Relationship with a trusted individual

• replaced the pseudo source of peace/energy with a REAL SOURCE
• SPENT AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE with that Trusted Individual

Together we fought against that ID that was trying to take over the government inside of me instead of remaining in its more suitable position of deputy governor.

• Was aware that my body still would crave the pseudo peace/energy for a while because it was accustomed to receiving its peace in that way.  But in time, and it took time, its sensors for real peace/energy rejuvenated.
• Was aware that getting out was gonna hurt.  It wasn’t gonna be pleasant.
• Didn't listen to the following:  “Just this once.  A little won’t hurt.  You’re overdoing your restrictions.  You're over your addiction and you are back in control.  That is what being balanced is all about--having a little sometimes.”
• Because every single time I did listen to that, it roped me back into the addictive cycle and all its blood-sucking mentality.  And it took a herculean effort to get back out every time (3 Nephi 7:8).

I found someone who knows how to deal with me like this pretty well.  A Real Source.  A Trusted Individual.  His office hours are 24/7.  It took me a while to develop the intensity in the relationship I needed.  It's a journey to learn how to hear and feel him more rapidly.  He often communicates his peace and energy through some of his assistant Para-Symbiotic hosts. This is Jesus Christ. He is my Deliverer. He delivers us from our modern-day bondages.

• “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden..."
• “My peace I give unto you, not as the world…”
• “Be still and know that I am God.”
• “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not..”
• “Ask, and it shall be given you…”
• "Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believingthat ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you.”

Other books and resources that are in alignment with the teachings of our Savior Jesus Christ that I have found helpful in my own journey out of food addiction.

Grant Von Harrison “Drawing On The Powers of Heaven”

Dean Hughes “The Cost of Winning”

  

Rodney Atkins:  "If You're Going Through Hell"

Natalie Grant:  "Hurricane"

Heaven

Addison Road:  “Won’tLet Me Go”

Chris August: “Battle Part II”

Jefferson Starship: “Find Your Way Back”

Jim Dooley:  “ParallelUniverse” Note:  I have no idea about the video game this music was written for.  The music is amazing.

I am SO thankful to these "Para-Symbiotic Hosts"!!  In time I have become proficient enough to recognize HIS communication straight and rapidly which keeps me out of bondage.  I'm wholly comforted.  Every time.  And when he helps me to actually resolve the conflict, preventing me from getting into the same mess over and over again, the relationship incrementally develops from Para-Symbiotic to Symbiotic (Moroni 7:48).   The commitments he asks me to make are life-changing and keep my mind riveted on goals and purposes “so much bigger than me.”

Imogen Heap “Can’t Take It In”