True to My Heart

There seems to be a continuous controversy among all mankind about feelings.  Some say we shouldn’t trust our feelings.  They discount them and say they are the “effect[s] of a frenzied mind” (Alma 30:16).  They say feelings bamboozle, fool, trick, or dupe us.

Others say the reason we exist is to have joy, which is defined as "a feeling of great pleasure and happiness" (2 Nephi 2:25).

"True To Your Heart"

Still others use the word feelings to describe a sensual immoral technique used to satisfy inherent desires and passions without regard to the happiness of others or to our own end result. (1 Nephi 8:31; The Guide to the Scriptures).

It has been a study of mine to differentiate between joy and immoral sensuality in the feelings I experience.

Since I am training my body to eat a balanced diet of whole foods, eating a large piece of chocolate cake with ganache filling on a daily basis does not fit within that program.  Yet sometimes I am still tempted to eat chocolate cake or other such treats in excess.  The cake makes me happy in the moment.  However, after a few bites I begin to feel sick because my body is not used to so much cream and fast-uptake carbs.  When the moment of consumption has passed, any pleasurable feelings I had are gone and I am left only with the sick feeling. 

So then I stay away from chocolate cake for a while.  I forget all those sick feelings.  Time goes by and another piece of chocolate cake is presented to me.  For some reason I want it.  I am tempted by it.  If I continuously yield to these feelings, I am allowing myself to be governed by immoral sensuality.  I identify it as such because it makes me feel rotten in the end and also results in undesirable consequences.  If I ignore the sick feelings and continuously yield to the immediate sensuality of eating the cake, eventually my body will adjust itself to that high dose of cream and sugar.  I won’t feel the sick feeling as quickly anymore.  I cease being satisfied with my healthy food choices.  They taste bland to me.  I now need the cake to obtain even the smallest and most fleeting sense of satisfaction.  My body increases its fat stores to inordinate degrees.  My ability to respond in balance to conflict both physically and spiritually decreases.  My emotional balance begins to swing with greater force to the right and then to the left.  Other people totally annoy me.  Maybe even the employees at the store that provides the ingredients for the cake, not to mention the store owner, annoy me.  In the end I’m trapped in a black hole, a blood sucking state.

Because I have experienced immoral sensuality to some degree in this example and also in other relationships I’ve had, I know what it feels like.  I can differentiate between that feeling and joy.

This is joy:  Through study and experimentation I figure out what my body needs to eat in order to obtain and maintain physical and spiritual balance.  I write my daily menu down.  I follow it.  When chocolate cake comes around, I have to avoid it entirely if I can’t control myself enough to eat the portion size that is appropriate for my spirit/body.  If I have gained the discipline, I eat the appropriate portion size and that is all.  I return to my prescribed diet and I don’t feel deprived or like I've overdosed.  Over time I become more and more satisfied with my healthy food choices.  A peach or Honeycrisp apple taste amazing!  I can have them everyday and they don’t interfere with my ability to sense joy.  Instead, they facilitate it.  When I eat both a physical and spiritual diet full of whole fresh foods, my joy is continuous.   

Sinéad O'Connor:  "Nothing Compares 2 U"

I have tried; I have tested and there is NOTHING that compares to this feeling.  

I feel the most Joy when my body’s fat stores are more closely balanced with my height and structure.  In Joy my ability to respond in balance to conflict both physically and spiritually increases.  My emotional balance centers up and increases in depth.  “It can not be anymore beautiful!”  

Imogen Heap “Can’t Take It In”

Moreover, in Joy I see and appreciate the talents of my children and other people.  It is a total pleasure to associate with them.  I can take the hits of the annoying behaviors that I know will always be there.  I take time with my New Parent to recover from the ones that hurt me the most.  Recovery always occurs.  I thank God for the whole foods he provides for me.   

I ask him to help me obtain ALL of my inherent desires within his boundaries.  I don’t want the black hole—blood sucking state.  In the end I am sealed in a state of sustainability—a relationship full of life, love, joy.

Because I’ve felt this joy at least to a degree, I know it.  It is the feeling I have chosen to be governed by (John 10:27).  It is solid.  It is a sure foundation (Matt 7:24-27).  It is always there to light my pathway.  If I’m not feeling it to the intensity I desire, that’s an indication that I need to grow, train for a higher state of Paradoxical Parenthood.  It usually includes sacrifice.  But I do not sacrifice best things for good.  That is immoral.  I sacrifice good for better and best. 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks:  "Good, Better, Best"

If I discount the feelings of Joy that I experience and think they are only the “effect[s] of a frenzied mind” (Alma 30:16), I starve myself from healthy spiritual food.  The fact is that I can’t live without Joy any more than I can live without healthy food.  That feeling sustains my spirit in my daily life.  If I’m discounting it or if I’m not living my life in such a way that allows for it to flow through me continuously, then the consequences of a starved soul will take over.  I am forced to get it in deviant ways.  I will have to eat the chocolate cake and deal with the black hole consequences.

President Boyd K. Packer

The following video by President Boyd K. Packer addresses the specific concept of controlling thoughts but when I watch it, I also apply it to the feelings that must continue to flow through my heart in the right direction.  

Joy is when the water flows freely down the trench towards its desired destination.  When weeds and other debris clog it up, it will deviate from its course.  I must feel joy.  It is inherent to my being.  If it cannot flow in balance within me—receiving it and then imparting of it to others--then I will deviate to alternative pathways.

"For Your Eyes Only"

Chocolate cake with ganache filling is okay; it's just okay compared to the real joy that is possible in a relationship with Jesus Christ and in an appropriate relationships between a man and a woman. Those kinds of relationships take work to establish and maintain.  The foundation of that work is taking care of body and spirit.  Sometimes it's easier to eat the cake.  But in no way do the end results compare to the everlasting joy that is possible to obtain with God's help between a man and a woman legally and lawfully balanced in marriage.

ADD & Nutrition

Written with Aaron's permission

“Your choice of diet profoundly influences your long-term health prospects….Many older people suffer from debilitating conditions that could have been largely prevented had they known and applied the nutrition principles of today.  The chronic diseases—heart disease, diabetes, some kinds of cancer, dental disease, and adult bone loss—all have a connection to poor diet.  These diseases cannot be prevented by a good diet alone…Within the range set by your genetic inheritance, however, the likelihood of developing these diseases is strongly influenced by your food choices” (Nutrition, Concepts and Controversies, 10th ed., Ch 1 “Food Choicesand Human Health,” pg 3).

 

Once I learned how to apply this concept spoken of in this quote to my own health problems, I began teaching it to my kids.  If any of them began to have a longer term physical or mental health issue, I wanted to first eliminate the possibility that the cause was diet-related.  My theory was that if we could zero out this possible cause, we would then see the other causes more clearly.  It was like casting out whatever beam might be in our eye or that which was within our control so we could see more clearly the mote of inherited disease that might be out of our control  (Matthew 7:3-5).   And even if the cause was hereditary, I knew that eating and exercising so that the body could achieve its optimal balance could only reduce the severity of undesired symptoms.

This turned out to be more difficult than I thought because before I learned to eat more healthy, I both ate and served my family the average American diet.  I trained them to eat that way from when they were little and then had to retrain them to eat in a better way when they got older.  It was like that scene from Spiderman 2 where he was trying to stop a train.

I wanted to stop the train of consequences I saw were already being played out in my family.   I didn’t want them to have to learn the hard way like I did (see blog post “Anxiety and Depression”).  Knowing the effect that overeating treats had on me, I was trying to warn them of impending destruction!  But it was often times like fighting a battle against the very people I was trying to save.

Insert around 5th Grade

I saw that after my kids OD-ed on treats, every one of them lost much of their ability to control their response process to everyday conflicts which was exactly what I experienced when I did the same.  Once Chris, my second, got some extra money.  He bought a box of fruit roll-ups, his attempt at compromising with me in choosing a healthy snack.  But he ate the whole box in a few hours.  Later that day we were at the church in the gym and he had a TOTAL MELTDOWN.  He was beside himself.  An average run-of-the-mill kid-conflict had arisen that he normally could handle.  But he had temporarily lost the conflict-resolution skills he normally had.  

 

It was hard to figure out what amount of treats was moderate and what was too much.  I found the balance by evaluating how much they ate vs. their behavior afterwards.

Needless to say, my kids didn’t see what I saw and I ended up with a pretty good rebellion on my hands.  The rest of the world seems to have no boundaries for treats for kids.  The philosophy appears to be that if the kid isn’t gaining excess fat, let him eat as much as he wants.  So I wasn’t only trying to stop the habits I had instilled in my kids but also the influence of the whole train of our society’s tradition that is still running at full speed along the tracks.

  

Aaron 7th Grade

In the middle of the aforementioned throws of diet change, my oldest son, Aaron, was officially diagnosed ADD by a medical doctor when he was in middle school.  A tween is never going to have totally balanced behavior.  But when Aaron showed escalating signs of not being able to respond in relative balance to the situations and conflicts that came his way, we decided to evaluate him a little more extensively.  Maybe this was one of those “chronic diseases” that couldn’t be prevented by diet alone?

 But Aaron did not want to take pills and resented the diagnosis even though he acknowledged his symptoms.   So I made a deal with him.  “Let’s do an experiment.  You eat how I’ve taught you to eat for 2 weeks.  No junk food.  No caffeinated soda.”   Caffeinated soda at that time was available at school from the vending machines in the hall!  But the middle schools around here have since got rid of those.  Thank heaven!  

See Blog Post: "Eating Healthy"

The plan was then for Aaron, Sherm, and me to evaluate how this change in diet affected his response process, how he felt, how he was able to think, etc.  If he was able to regain his normal balance by eating this way, he wouldn’t have to take the medication.

He readily agreed.  And I was secretly happy at this opportunity to show him (without nagging) how much his food choices were affecting him.  Yay!

I was pretty impressed with him over the next two weeks.  He reigned himself in and ate only what I gave him for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  When he ate snacks, they were what we had in the pantry.  It was a beautiful sight!  And sure enough, his ability to handle conflict returned to normal.

When we got together for our 2 week meeting, I asked him how he felt with the diet change.  He told me that he noticed a difference.  He was able to concentrate better at school, think through his choices, and felt better all around.  I asked him about his commitment from here on out.  He said that he was going to focus on getting the nutrition his body needed, eat treats in moderation, and stop drinking the caffeinated soda.  Together we determined how we would moderate that.  If the behavior started to return, we would know that he needed to decrease the treats.

He agreed.

That was about 9 years ago.  Over the years I’ve watched him.  He has kept his commitment.  Not all the time but most of the time and to the level of his own understanding.  I saw him repeatedly reign himself in and actually request healthy foods.  He is by nature an intense personality with a lot of energy.  When focused, which he has managed to do pretty well, he is a powerful influence for good.

He has made this concept of balance his own.  Not because his mom advocated it (since that’s usually reason to rebel against it) but because it is a true principle and he found that out through his own experimentation. 

I have learned that the best way to retrain kids is slowly--going easy on them but being consistently firm.  I have advocated treats in moderation and making changes in steps.  That is hard for me because once I understand a true principle, I want to take a bee line to aligning my choices with it.  Kids aren’t so into bee lines.  And turns out I make more lasting changes when I take it in steps too.

with Mom (left), with Lindsey Newman (center)

Elder Aaron Langford, with Elder Yu (left)

Here is something he wrote recently of his own volition and with the hope to demonstrate the vision of the Boston, MA Digital Mission.  It is not directly related to the point I’m writing about here but it demonstrates the strong will in this particular child and his continued ability to evaluate the past to make sense of the present, and prepare for the future.

Food Addiction

What is Addiction?  

What makes a continuous relationship with a substance bad?  What makes it good?

I am addicted to healthy foods, to balanced exercise, and to the people and the activities that bring me continuous joy.  I don't ever want to have to end those relationships.  There is bondage and there are bonds of love.  There are bad habits and there are good habits.  Deciding which are which is a crucial conjunction.

The main reason I set goals is to create habits, abilities, talents.  I figure out the abilities I would like to develop and then go to work establishing them.  Developing a habit is like forging a pathway through a field of grass that I've never walked through before.  The first time I walk through it I may bend some blades of grass down.  When I look back I can see a faint trail.  With continuous traversing, the pathway is formed.  Over time I may lay down concrete or even build bridges over chasms to make the journey more efficient.  Habits make completing difficult or mundane responsibilities easier, faster, and more enjoyable.

Good habits are like symbiotic relationships.

Bad habits are like parasitic relationships.

I have found that I develop habits both with good foods and with bad foods.  So a food's "addictive" nature is not reason enough for me to avoid it.  I AM dependent on food.  No getting around that.  But I WANT to be addicted to healthy food.  I don't want the person who I purchase the food from to "benefit at my expense."  I don't want to be "exploited" or to become habitually involved with a substance that "gives nothing in return" in the end AND requires nothing or very little in return from me up front.  When choosing the foods I eat, I have to consider what I call its Paradoxical Result to determine whether its nature is symbiotic or parasitic. 

Paradoxical Results

Parasitic food starts out way easy to prepare--go to the store, see it ostentatiously displayed, saliva glands start working, buy it, eat it, yum!  Then I pay attention to what happens afterwards.  Next day I want it again.  My regular food doesn't taste as good and I'm not satiated with my daily allotment of calories.  I want to eat MORE!  My appetite increases even though my activity level stays the same.  I consider this bondage because I don't want to eat that much yet I want to eat that much!  It is a conflict of interest happening inside me.  Psychologists may call this a conflict between my Superego and Id.  The scriptures would call it a conflict between my spirit and body or natural [wo]man.

So I need to resolve it.  Which should I listen to?  Is there a balance between them?

I have determined my answer through experimental reasoning.  If I go ahead and partake of the parasitic food and yield to my new level of appetite, my ability to remain balanced in the face of my children's emotional swings, irritating behaviors, etc. is compromised.  And over time my sensitivity to the feelings of peace and energy I receive in my most cherished relationships is reduced (see blog post "Anxiety and Depression").  I feel numb to those treasured feelings; I physically gain weight.  I start looking around for more intense things to make me happy....and treats are always readily available!  But I need increasingly more over time.  For me, this is bondage and I have to get out.

Physical vs. Spiritual Appetites

When I eat food to satisfy my spiritual needs, I'm ab-using it, which basically means I'm using it in the wrong way.  Yeah, it's there and I'm seemingly free to choose to use it however I want but I'm not free to choose the Paradoxical Results.  They are inherently attached.  I’ve tested that one out.

Howard Jones: “No One Is to Blame”

In the past this has been pretty depressing. I took the frowny-face view: "I can't have it.  It's not fair.  It's the only thing that makes me happy.  I can't find happiness in any other way."

But then I found the good news.  This wasn't the only way.  There was a better one and it had sustainability without all the bad side effects.  

Para-Symbiotic Relationships

This is that better way:  When I’m emotionally compromised I turn to a trusted individual for empathy and support or for challenge and excitement.  Not to food.  This person is on my side, defending me when I've been seriously hurt.  But after I've calmed down, feel safe, know I'm loved, I'm ready to evaluate what happened.  I want answers.  How can I resolve that conflict?  How can I avoid getting into a situation like that again?  What part of it was my responsibility?  How can I learn from this?  What do I need to change and what should I hold steadfast? 

It’s not symbiosis because I am reliant upon my host more than he is on me.  I have less to offer.  But it’s not parasitism either because of my promise.  I don’t take his help and do nothing of myself.  I use the strengths that I have to do all that I can do.  I promise that when I am stronger, I will behave as he did to me to those who need me.

2 Nephi 25:23

James 2:20

For lack of finding a word that describes this relationship, I will call it Para-Symbiosis. 

Bonds of Love are the Paradoxical Results of choosing to eat food for what it was intended and choosing to turn to a real person in a real relationship when I am emotionally compromised.  Within these bonds I have grown, progressed, and overcome bad habits that have seemed impossible to overcome.

  

Experimental Reasoning Conclusions

So after many years of experimenting and reasoning with the results, I have formed a conclusion:

A lack of a Para-Symbiotic Relationship with a trusted individual causes me to reach out to parasitic substances for peace and energy.

AND

Parasitic substances clog up the ability to establish that Para-Symbiotic Relationship that would otherwise return increasing intensities of sustainable peace and energy over time.  This leaves me in bondage.

Sinéad O'Connor:  "Nothing Compares 2 U"

These conclusions assist me in coming up with a resolution process for the conflict between my Superego and my Id, my spirit and my body:

Incrementally decrease the treats in my diet until:

1.  I am able to eat within my caloric allotment and nutritional balance WITHOUT BEING MISERABLE

2.  I am satisfied with the intensity and sustainability of peace and energy that I feel in my relationships

Getting Out of Bondage

Before I knew all this I developed bad habits and was suffering in the Paradoxical Results of bondage.  Miserable place.  This is how I got out:

I learned/was taught (as a result of begging for help) all of the above

• calculated the correct amount of calories and nutrients for my body and my goals for it
• tracked my food everyday
• return to it if I begin to deviate again

Developed a Para-Symbiotic Relationship with a trusted individual

• replaced the pseudo source of peace/energy with a REAL SOURCE
• SPENT AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE with that Trusted Individual

Together we fought against that ID that was trying to take over the government inside of me instead of remaining in its more suitable position of deputy governor.

• Was aware that my body still would crave the pseudo peace/energy for a while because it was accustomed to receiving its peace in that way.  But in time, and it took time, its sensors for real peace/energy rejuvenated.
• Was aware that getting out was gonna hurt.  It wasn’t gonna be pleasant.
• Didn't listen to the following:  “Just this once.  A little won’t hurt.  You’re overdoing your restrictions.  You're over your addiction and you are back in control.  That is what being balanced is all about--having a little sometimes.”
• Because every single time I did listen to that, it roped me back into the addictive cycle and all its blood-sucking mentality.  And it took a herculean effort to get back out every time (3 Nephi 7:8).

I found someone who knows how to deal with me like this pretty well.  A Real Source.  A Trusted Individual.  His office hours are 24/7.  It took me a while to develop the intensity in the relationship I needed.  It's a journey to learn how to hear and feel him more rapidly.  He often communicates his peace and energy through some of his assistant Para-Symbiotic hosts. This is Jesus Christ. He is my Deliverer. He delivers us from our modern-day bondages.

• “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden..."
• “My peace I give unto you, not as the world…”
• “Be still and know that I am God.”
• “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not..”
• “Ask, and it shall be given you…”
• "Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believingthat ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you.”

Other books and resources that are in alignment with the teachings of our Savior Jesus Christ that I have found helpful in my own journey out of food addiction.

Grant Von Harrison “Drawing On The Powers of Heaven”

Dean Hughes “The Cost of Winning”

  

Rodney Atkins:  "If You're Going Through Hell"

Natalie Grant:  "Hurricane"

Heaven

Addison Road:  “Won’tLet Me Go”

Chris August: “Battle Part II”

Jefferson Starship: “Find Your Way Back”

Jim Dooley:  “ParallelUniverse” Note:  I have no idea about the video game this music was written for.  The music is amazing.

I am SO thankful to these "Para-Symbiotic Hosts"!!  In time I have become proficient enough to recognize HIS communication straight and rapidly which keeps me out of bondage.  I'm wholly comforted.  Every time.  And when he helps me to actually resolve the conflict, preventing me from getting into the same mess over and over again, the relationship incrementally develops from Para-Symbiotic to Symbiotic (Moroni 7:48).   The commitments he asks me to make are life-changing and keep my mind riveted on goals and purposes “so much bigger than me.”

Imogen Heap “Can’t Take It In”